Friday, June 17, 2011

Update From Inside the Hole

I've been avoiding this post for a week.  Not to insult my blog.  But opening up to anyone much less everyone has been the last thing I've wanted to do.  A week ago I joined the ranks of the unemployed (optimistically referred to as the future employed but I don't have my usual abundance of optimism in stock this week so you'll understand if I'm nothing but direct as I report from the bottom of this hole).  I'm at a loss.  What's happening with my life?  How will I pay my bills?  Am I doing the right thing, pursuing a full-time job?  Am I dishonoring the gifts God has given me, abandoning them (even temporarily) for security?  Am I messing up?

I feel like staying in my pj's until 4:15 pm is messing up.  Not showering for two days, this might be messing up.  And seeking full-time employment at a financial firm, something I'm attempting to do (among other high-paying industries) when I am at heart a creative soul, well... that is probably really, really messing up.  It's not like I'm doing it for fun.  I got bills to pay!  I'm telling myself if I get a really high-paying job I can kick out this debt in a year.  But I'm wondering how much of my soul will whither during that time.  I'm concurrently job hunting in the more creative fields, knowing that they don't pay as much but also that I'd enjoy those jobs more.  Of course - I'd simply like to perform, to be a performer and nothing more.  How I wish I had a benefactor who'd like to pay me to pursue my performance career.  Someone to wipe out my debt and offer me a stipend that would cover my basic bills... Ah, yes.  A sugar daddy.  If only I was as comfortable sleeping with men for money as I am for thrills.  Damn you, selective morals.

I've got a trip coming up next week back east to see some family.  All the usual suspects will be there, God help me.  I'm sort of looking forward to the change of scenery for the snark factor though.  It's tough being snarky, cheeky or generally sassy-minded when you're feeling blue.  And without my sass, where am I?

I already covered that.  I believe the (silent) answer was I don't know.

Editor's Note:  January will return with her usual chipper 'tude some time this week.  For those of you wishing for a jolt of it before then, check out her posts under 'January s'Amuse', or 'Full Contact Sport (Men)'.  For those of you who find this post entertaining... Get help you, you sick puppy.

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